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October 22, 2013 at 9:42 am #31513
Just seen a post on Twitter from our tech people about jealousy.
I am really interested to know if any of you have experienced it and how you have dealt with it.
I’m sad to say that I have experienced jealousy from others and it has even cost me friendships. I have spoken about this at length with my fellow support group members and unfortunately, it is actually far more common than you would think. The only good thing that can be said about it is that you REALLY learn who your real friends are!
In my personal experience, it has been newer friends that have shown their true colours. My oldest and dearest friends (some of 40+ years standing) have been utterly delighted for me and have supported me 100% right from the beginning. I wonder if it’s because they have seen how miserable my life was before wls and are delighted that I am now happier and healthier?
Anyway, I think this discussion will be of benefit to all of us but especially to any new members who might not have thought about it. Sometimes opposition to wls from family and friends can actually be jealousy-fuelled.
Doodah xOctober 22, 2013 at 4:44 pm #51036Paul-HParticipant
Personally I have never had this problem post surgery, but then again my circle of friends is quite small anyway and the few I have I have had for years.
What I do notice though with a small number of acquaintances is that although I have lost 10 stones some of them have never made one single comment, perhaps that is their way of showing their jealousy but it is quite odd, even my next-door neighbour who I used to go to slimming world with has never once mentioned my weight loss.
If you do get jealous comments what type of people are they from, those who also have weight issues or those who have never had weight issues.
PaulOctober 22, 2013 at 8:43 pm #51039soon to be skinnyMember
People who have never had weight issues paul… its because your no longer there FAT friend!!.. its cruel to say it but its true.. xxxxOctober 22, 2013 at 9:02 pm #51038KimboMember
I agree, I’ve had “friends” say I’m no fun anymore. I think they mean they can’t make fun of me anymore
Whatever……I’m actually having loads of fun !!!!October 22, 2013 at 9:54 pm #51042treezaMember
Oh my gosh Kim I can’t believe how some people behave. I’ve had a couple of problems. I’ve lost one friend who I thought I was really close to. I know I became a bit (a lot actually) self absorbed for a few weeks & having always been the one there for everyone usually I don’t think this “friend” liked that I wasn’t for a while! Another friend has found it difficult to deal with me eating so little. I think largely because we always enjoyed our food together. She is now adjusting well & we are back on track. I think we just have to go with the flow & our true friends will always be there. The cream always rises to the top! I’m looking forward to seeing who they are. I think I’m in for some surprises! Keep smiling :0)x
Paul I think those who don’t ask are jealous! Just smile & enjoy you healthier, happier & slimmer life! When I get to my goal I will be one very happy lady. I’ve still got a very long way to go but I’m already much happier!October 22, 2013 at 10:16 pm #51035DeifersmumParticipant
Hi, I’m glad to say that I haven’t lost friends, in fact I’m made some since WLS but what I have found, and it’s weird, the few people at work that I’ve told, initially were supportive and caring but now there’s one particular person who is extremely off. She lost a lot of weight when she was pregnant and unfortunately put it back on and I get the impression that she’s not happy with me and my weight loss, which is a shame because we used to have a good laugh at work, it made the day go quicker. No doubt I’ll deal with it, to let it go on is going to affect the whole office, but it’s a shame that ego’s have to come into to something so personal.
Sorry for the race, had to get it off my chest, thanks for listening.
xxxxOctober 23, 2013 at 8:59 am #51029
I think Paul’s post is particularly relevant. A ten stone weight loss is VISIBLE so why would you not mention it? The only thing that can be said is that maybe he thinks it was unintentional and doesn’t want to raise any delicate issues with you? I’m willing to guess that it is jealousy by default though.
The ‘friends’ I have lost have all been failed dieters. That is all I really need to say. It’s a harsh and cruel fact of life that some people cannot bear to see others succeed when they can’t themselves. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see all you lovely people shrink and become happier and healthier. One former friend asked me ‘Does it get on your nerves when wls patients end up losing more than you?’!!!! Where does that kind of thinking even come from?!
‘Nowt so queer as folk’ as my Yorkshire granny used to say and she is right. It’s almost impossible to gauge a person’s reaction to your success but the very best friends will be delighted. i have many who have been SO supported that it has flooded my heart with even more love for them.
I also cherish the new friends I have made through wls. No explanations needed and total understanding and empathy. It’s hard to lose friends out of jealousy (I still miss some of them terribly) but it stands us in good stead for the rest of our lives as there will be false friends at every stage of our lives. ‘The people who come into our lives are either a blessing or a lesson’ as the old quote goes.At least we are learning how to deal with them 😉
Doodah xJanuary 28, 2014 at 4:57 pm #51037WhiteyMember
Just experienced a very weird reaction to my weight loss. I met a woman at work who had not seen me since my surgery. At first she didn’t recognise me then made a big fuss on saying how different I looked and asked for all the details which I told her. I explained I had WLS surgery – purely for health reasons and explained it had not been easy but I was pleased with my 9 stone weight loss and going from at size 28 to size 14/16. At the end of the conversation she came out with “well I preferred how you looked before!” Could it be that she is jealous because I am now thinner than her!January 28, 2014 at 5:29 pm #51040KimberlyParticipant
How rude , what a horrible thing to say . I know it’s hard but just let it brush pass you she sounds ugly on the inside . I think your right about being jealous , . Is it only women who make these remarks To women ? , or have you guys experience this too ?January 29, 2014 at 10:26 am #51028
@Whitey 30690 wrote:
Just experienced a very weird reaction to my weight loss. I met a woman at work who had not seen me since my surgery. At first she didn’t recognise me then made a big fuss on saying how different I looked and asked for all the details which I told her. I explained I had WLS surgery – purely for health reasons and explained it had not been easy but I was pleased with my 9 stone weight loss and going from at size 28 to size 14/16. At the end of the conversation she came out with “well I preferred how you looked before!” Could it be that she is jealous because I am now thinner than her!
Jealousy. Plain and simple. You have achieved something totally fabulous. She hasn’t.
It says more about her than it does about you. I have found that people generally fall into three categories: delighted, disgruntled and indifferent. Keep the delighted people as friends and be indifferent about the other two types!
Someone from another support group asked me if I got jealous watching people getting slimmer than me!!!! Can you believe that? It’s my greatest delight! But more than that it’s watching people become happier and healthier. Some people are simply never going to be happy seeing someone else flourish. Leave them behind and move on.
Doodah xSeptember 30, 2014 at 6:42 am #51030
I thought I would raise this subject again for our newbies.
Are you aware of anyone displaying feelings of jealousy towards you because of your success? If so, how are you dealing (or not) with it?
I have had some awful experiences regarding jealousy but I have learned that the people closest to me have never shown any so I actually have nothing to worry about. My family, close friends and work colleagues have been nothing but supportive and celebrated with me at every single milestone – and not just about wls. they have been thrill for me when anything at all has gone well for me. This has taught me one thing – choose your friends wisely.
I’m very interested to hear how you have coped with it as it is something we discuss in support groups. Please bear in mind that this is a public forum so we can’t use actual names!
Doodah xOctober 1, 2014 at 11:42 am #51041KimberlyParticipant
What Iv noticed is that some people will now talk to me when they use to ignore me . I have to stop my self shouting at them ‘fat not contagious you know ‘October 1, 2014 at 7:50 pm #51043bikerchrisParticipant
My only experience of this came from a woman I worked with at the time. She was, and is, easily the same size as I was pre wls. Although we weren’t friends, we’d say hello. When I started losing weight, she couldn’t meet my eye, most odd.
Following on from Kimberly’s comment, here is a little bonus that I’ve discovered from being a normal-ish size. I can now instigate a chat with a stranger, for example if I’m out dog walking or in a shop or cafe. And I’ve rediscovered how to communicate with men. I’m reluctant to call it flirting, but I suppose that is the art I’m relearning. Go me!
Chris xOctober 2, 2014 at 7:22 am #51031
Go Chris!! You keep those flirting lessons up!
As for your colleague, I can only guess that she feels ashamed. The poor woman must look at you and think ‘Why Can’t I do it?’ I know I used to think like that. I wasn’t jealous of their success, just annoyed with myself that i couldn’t do it also.
The thing is, we have to wait for the right time for us don’t we? All we can hope is that hers will come.
Doodah xOctober 5, 2014 at 7:12 pm #51044bikerchrisParticipant
Just thought of something else I’ve encountered a few time, and that is when people who know I’ve had wls try to encourage me to eat too much food. My own dear mum has done this to me a few times where I’ve had a meal she has kindly cooked, she asks me how much I want and I explain, she I get served about 3 times as much. Don’t understand that.
That is just one example. Others have done the same or enquired “is that all you’re having?”. I was also embarrassed on a rare occasion that I ate in a restaurant, I’d ordered a starter portion but still sent half back as it was massive and the waiter asked if there was a problem with the food.
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