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Gosh sounds like you really were put through the mill too Doodah, its comforting to know I’m in such good company and hands with the surgeon.
We came back from Butlins yesterday, I watched what I ate very carefully but so did enjoy that last slice of pizza knowing it will be the last time I had anything like that, its been ten months since I last tried a bit so it tasted quite good but I really couldnt manage to eat the whole piece it was so weird. Butlins was a very good holiday this week but it highlighted for me a few things which now do not feel too nice inside, being a wheelchair user now and having lost my independence, it kept making me think its not long now and I’ll be thin, not so much weight to carry about maybe it will help me be more independent then I got completely down today because my third oldest of six children is turning 16 years old in the morning, my two older ones are already 23 and 21, three younger ones are 12, 11 and 5 already, it all makes me look back at the things I used to be able to do when the first three were little like finding a toilet on my own, or choosing which parts of the holiday were for me etc, this time I ended up watching all the toddler shows on my own with my little boy, waiting for someone to bring me back a drink or take me to the toilet to make sure I could get in and out, waiting for someone to call the lift or help me get up the step into the chalet, waiting for them all to finish on various funfair rides, basically waiting and waiting with more waiting on top, its made me feel completely sad and to cap it all off I hate the way I look so huge in the photographs although there is one which doesnt show my thick neck or double chin so not too bad I just hate myself in all the rest, my clothes are ill fitting where I’ve already lost over 60lbs since February 10th this year so I felt uncomfortable and it rained every day except Wednesday so I’ve come home with chills, temperature and no energy whatsoever but somehow had to pull off cooking some turkey breast fillets into a low fat low carbs curry last night which I managed because I stayed in bed all day but today I just feel plain old depressed and wondering why a letter hasnt arrived yet confirming the funding and an appointment date 🙁
Sorry to ramble on, I just can not wait to be on the road to better health, I know I may not get out of the wheelchair when I go out, but to dream of being able to manage with out it is making me sad. Loosing weight and becoming more fit and healthy will go a long way towards my feeling more capable, its so so completely frustrating to have to just sit there waiting all the time.
The words insensitive spring to mind, I know my family love me and try their best but honestly I just want to fix all of the health issues so I can personally move on myself. I wonder what they will all do once that day arrives and I definitely do not need them to do some of the things they do now …… and god how I can not wait for that day to arrive I really cant.
I realise this all sounds extremely ungrateful, I’m not I am extremely thankful just feeling totally sorry for myself and frustrated with how long its all taking to get things moving forwards and upwards now. I thought a letter would have been here for me when I got home that’s all 🙁